well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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