Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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