bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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