I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
