Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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