I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
