In America we eat man semen.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
