i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
