Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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