I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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