There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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