i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
