took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
