she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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