he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize