the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
