rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
