Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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