I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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