Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
