I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
