Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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