we have pet lesbian snakes
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
