Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
