i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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