He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
