Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
