i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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