Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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