i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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