Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
