There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
