i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
