3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
