Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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