Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
