sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
