Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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