why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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