that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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