Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
