is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dignity is for republicans.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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