FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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