I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
