just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
