actually, I'm a sock model
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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