Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
