and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
