Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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