I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
