yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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