I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
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