All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
