oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
me + whiskey = a bad person
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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