So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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